Lord Farquaad's Diary
by HuntressMinerva
Summary: The secret diary of Lord Farquaad. Please read and review!


**Lord Farquaad's Diary**

**June 5, Tuesday  
1300 hrs**   
Dear Diary,   
The gingerbread man refuses to talk. I am so furious. I know he's hiding something - I wonder what it is. I bet it has something to do with the location of those fairytale freaks. That confounded idiot. I must go see him now. If he still refuses to talk I think I'll eat his legs. Ha ha. Ha. 

**June 7, Thursday  
2100 hrs**   
Dear Diary,   
I know I have not written for a long time. I have been busy eating the gingerbread man as well as dreaming about the princess I'm going to marry.  
I have captured the magic mirror. Ha ha. At first it declined to cooperate, but it became _very_ obedient after I had Moziah show him what he could do with a smaller mirror. It showed me three beautiful princesses I could marry to become the king of this land. WOO HOO! Princess number one, Cinderella, didn't really catch my eye. She seemed so soppy. The only thing about her that was interesting was the way she waited on her sisters. I could have used someone like that for myself. Princess number two was fairly interesting - she seemed to sleep a lot. If I married someone who slept a lot I wouldn't have to worry about her getting in my way or having affairs. However, it annoyed me that she stayed with seven other little men. Princess number three's name was Fiona, and she was a ravishing beauty. I picked her in the end. One complication - she lives in a castle guarded by boiling lava and an evil dragon. I think it would be painful (OUCH!) if I were to fall into the lava. So I plan to have a challenge for the bravest knight in the land to do my dirty work for me. It will be held tomorrow. Someone big and brave had better be there. Mwahahaha. 

**June 8, Friday  
0900 hrs**   
Dear Diary,  
The challenge is about to begin in a few minutes! This is just a quick note before I go out to supervise the goons. The competitors all look big, strong, and stupid. I am sure the eventual winner will do what I say without protesting. I must go now.   
**2000 hrs**  
Dear Diary,  
I don't believe it! A big, ugly, freaky, stupid, green ogre has won the challenge. Well, at least he looks pretty muscle-packed. He actually managed to knock out every single knight there! And imagine, all he wants in exchange for battling that dragon and crossing the lava is his stinking swamp! Ha ha. If I were him, I would've cleared my swamp myself. 

**June 11, Monday  
1000hrs**   
Dear Diary,  
My wedding suit is ready, and so is Princess Fiona's wedding gown. I can't wait to become King Farquaad. The first law I shall make is that all fairytale freaks are exiled. The second law will be that everyone must love Duloc as well as everything in Duloc, especially the king. And I shall order them to bake me cookies every day and raise the taxes too. HA HA. If anybody refuses to do what I command, OFF WITH HIS HEAD! I'm off to find out if my bride has returned.   
**1300 hrs**  
Dear Diary,  
Where is Princess Fiona?   
**1500 hrs**  
Dear Diary,  
Where is Princess Fiona?   
**1800 hrs**  
Dear Diary,  
Where is Princess Fiona? 

**June 12, Tuesday  
0900 hrs**  
Moziah has just come to tell me that Princess Fiona, along with the ugly green ogre and his talky donkey have come to Duloc. At last! I shall go see them right away.  
**1000 hrs**  
Princess Fiona is even more beautiful in person. She can't wait to marry me. Well, that's normal, of course. It is a well-known fact that short people are more charming. I'm going to make it a law that people are not allowed to grow taller than me. All shorter than I am will be promoted to castle positions. I must be off to get into my suit now. I'm going to slip this diary in my pocket just in case anybody peeks at it. (musn't forget pen.)   
**1930 hrs**  
DISASTER!!!! Princess Fiona is an ugly ogre too! And I'm dragon food!  
It stinks in here! Even more than at the ogre's stinking swamp! How disgusting!  
The @&^%#$ princess has betrayed me! She has married the green guy! UGH! Why would she choose to marry a freakin' giant like him, instead of a handsome man like me? Well, anyway she's an ogre now. Yuck. I'm glad I stopped that wedding in time.  
But how am I going to find a princess to marry in here? I wonder if the dragon is hungry. She looks like the type who would like the taste of princesses. Except if they're ogres. 

*** 

Author's Note: I did not write this myself. It was a joint product of me, my sister (aged 12) and my brother (aged 8). Please review! Thanks for reading! 


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